Food for Thought

Yesterday morning (or actually, a few mornings ago, since I'm woefully late in posting this), I was getting ready for work. Vegas was flopped out on my bed, thwacking his tail optimistically against the sheets, hoping for some morning cuddles before I disappeared from his world for about 9 hours. (Poor pup, I really do feel badly about leaving him for so long). I reached across to grab a hoodie off its hanger, and in the process, my knee knocked a shoebox of photos to the floor.

I mentally cursed, and knelt to pick up the mess when one photo caught my eye.

It was taken about 10 years ago when I lived in Florida. I was in college then (my, how time flies…), and struggling to find a way to still be an actor and singer (my previous life) while being an academic and responsibly earning my degree. (My parentals suggested it was responsible, I had my doubts)

I’d been putting together a small portfolio of pictures to use for promotional purposes on a particular producer’s website. He’s going to remain nameless because he turned out to be a sleazeball, but that’s another blog entry for another day. I was dressed in my favorite black baggy pants, paired with a red tank top I’d strategically tied at my back to expose my stomach. My long, blond hair was in pigtails down my shoulders and I clutched a microphone in my right hand.

“Man,” I thought, “I was silly. And cute! I’d kill for that flat tummy and tiny waist right about now!”

And then I remembered how much I hated how I looked then.

Every morning, I’d go into my bathroom and look down, poking at my “flabby” stomach, and ensuring it hadn’t somehow inched over the edge of my pants since the last I looked. I hated the way the “flab” of my arms flopped around. I hated my skin. I spent more than a passing thought comparing myself to the pretty girls in the tiny bikinis around me, and by comparison, I just couldn’t measure up.

I was so focused on all of the negative, I didn’t see how positively adorable I was.

I do the same thing when I look at photos of myself currently. Instead of looking at the friends that I’m with, or the fun activities I’m participating in, I’m staring at my rolls, curves, creases, etc.

And the thought occurred to me; 10 years from now, I’m probably going to look back on these photos and wish I’d appreciated what I had a bit more, instead of spending so much energy picking myself apart.

How much energy do I waste every day on hating myself, and picking myself apart? How many minutes do I spend analyzing and over-analyzing all of my flaws and mistakes?

Is it really worth what I'm putting into it? Or, in a decade, am I going to look back and regret that I didn't appreciate all of the awesome things going on in my life right this moment? 

Food for thought. 

Oh my gosh, 2 posts in one day...

This is the video I made at Run or Dye!

Chubby Girl in Hiking Boots

I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm crap at blogging these days. I usually have a great idea of something to talk about at 2 in the morning when I'm trying to sleep, and my brain won't shut down. By the time I wake up (you know how this story goes), the idea is long gone.

So, here goes. The one thing that's been on my mind a lot these days.

I think that it’s impossible to have a blog about training, getting stronger and achieving physical goals without delving into some realities about body perception.

I’m overweight.

This does not make me a bad person. This does not mean that I am less valuable than a thin person, or that I am any less worthy of love and respect than anyone else.

However, weight seems to be one of the last remaining socially-acceptable forms of discrimination. Some is subtle, and the rest is not. In fact, it’s painfully blatant.

In a completely informal and sociologically biased poll of many close friends, I’ve discovered that we have faced many similar challenges in our roads to health.

(Please note, this is about a journey to HEALTH, not a journey to SKINNY. They are not the same thing.)

The same person who looks in disgust and makes oinking noises at me when I order anything but a salad will also be the person making faces at the sweat flooding off of me when I dare to walk the same trail, (albeit at a much slower pace than them).

The same companies which relegate clothes in my size to the shadowy back of the store, where people my size won’t taint the image of the brand will also refuse to make workout gear in plus sizes…again, so that overweight people are not tarnishing their image.

The fact is, it’s socially acceptable (yet morally repugnant) to look on the overweight person with disdain because they’re “fat”, “lazy”, “dirty”, “smelly” and any number of unkind adjectives. But the same societal views that pigeonholed us into this stereotype also refuse to offer a hand-up to those attempting to make healthier choices.

I’m here to say, you don’t get to have it both ways. 

Also, my body is MY body. It’s my possession. Just because it’s a larger size than others would like doesn’t mean that I’m somehow public property. If I want to order an Oprah doughnut (maple bar with bacon) and chase it with a soda, I will. If I want to be huffing, groaning, and dripping sweat on a trail, I will. No one gets to police me because I’m overweight. No one gets to tell me that it’s not acceptable for me to make my own choices because I’m the chubby girl in hiking boots.

What's new?

Well, hey! It's been awhile since I've updated, so I figured it was time to dust this thing off. Again. (Yes, I know, "again". Shhh.) 

Run or Dye 5K Seattle/Tacoma June 2014

But at least I have a good excuse this time. I've been busy. No, like really REALLY busy. For starters, I have a posh new job at my company's headquarters doing QA for our website. It's a temporary position, but I've been here since May, and my end date keeps getting extended, so I'm optimistic that it may wind up not being so temporary after all.

In any event, I've for certain fallen in love with this job, and if I don't get to stay on here permanently, I may explore other options to keep doing this kind of work. I'm actually excited to get up and come to work every day, which is extra odd because now I have to get up exceedingly early and I have a traffic-filled commute. 40 hours a week, flexible scheduling, an awesome team to work with, and a job that actually puts my many years of web surfing to good use? Yup, I'm one happy camper right now.

I've also been awarded a grant to help fund my goals of running one event a month. (I know, right? Someone actually said 'hey, cool challenge, here's some moolah to help you out!') The above pic is from the Run or Dye 5K, which was my June event. July's event is this weekend, it's The Color Run, and August's event is The Electric Run. September hasn't been decided yet. I'll figure it out when I get there.