Beginnings are usually scary...(Part One)

I hear the door click shut behind me, and 30 sets of eyes turn to stare at me. Instantly, I cringe, my heart dropping to the floor. I shift my feet nervously on the floor, and the stiff school carpet feels like sandpaper beneath my feet.

I hate being the new kid, and in the past three years, I've been one three times. As the teacher points to the only empty desk in the room, I shuffle quietly to my desk and tuck my backpack underneath my desk, the zipper seeming 20 times louder than it did as I pull out my notebook. I try to focus on what the teacher is explaining about the classroom rules, and try to ignore the snickering as the blond kid across the room pokes his brown haired friend and points at me. I feel my face flush red and hate myself, knowing that my bright cheeks are betraying the weakness I feel inside.

Checkpoint

I think that it's important to pause for a moment and just talk for a minute about how I'm feeling. It's been a few days of absolutely no meat, and only the slightest amount of dairy in my diet. (I haven't figured out a way to love my sandwiches without bread yet. I tried a wrap at work and something was...off...it was nasty.)

I have to say, I've noticed a difference. I feel more energetic, and I've noticed a huge difference in the way I feel hunger. I've been eating lunch around noonish, right when I start to get hungry. (I know, I know, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but frankly, I don't have time. I like sleeping in more than I like getting up to cook.) But, after I eat lunch, I don't get hungry again until much, much later in the evening, and it takes much less food to make me feel full.

On the down side, since I've stopped drinking coffee, I've realized exactly how addicted I've been to it. Like, I'm not functional in the morning without it. I've been taking vitamins and drinking lots of water in the morning, but man, I do miss my morning cup o' joe. Which means that I really need to not have it. If I can't live without it...that's not a good thing. When I can function and see it as a treat, then I can have a cup or two now and then.

I do feel better, and I feel more confident. Honestly, I think the reason I'm feeling so good is the lack of dairy in my diet. I don't feel bloated and puffy, or run-down, and I've noticed that my face is not as full. I was starting to get a little cold and felt phlemy and that's gone now. In an effort to eliminate more dairy out of my diet, I've found a vegan, gluten-free, wheat-free bread, and a mayonaise made out of soy. Once the last of the dairy is gone, it'll be interesting to see how I feel!

A Day Full of Prize Finds!

Well, today wasn't entirely vegan. I had bread with my veggies-only sandwich at lunch (avocado, cucumber, lettuce, tomato, onion and olive on a whole wheat bread). But other than that I had a very healthy day and even found some absolutely fantastic MUST HAVES!

I know me, and I know my eating habits. I can have all the best intentions in the world, but if it's not convenient, delicious, FAST, and filling, I'm going to the dollar-menu at the drive through. I don't have time to mess around, and I have a real weakness for being hungry; it's why I've failed nearly every diet I've been on.

After my supremely healthy lunch (I had V8 with the veggie sandwich), I was craving something sweet. I went to the employee store at work and perused the shelves, hoping to find something vegan, or at least vegetarian, and without a huge guilt-factor. What I found was Richmoor Natural High Organic Fruit Snacks, which is simply dehydrated bananas, strawberries, blueberries, and mangos. Dehydrated, not dried, like the hard fruit you've had everywhere. No, these are light, fluffy...and DELICIOUS.  Here's a link: http://www.rei.com/product/803373

We must be the change...

Scarlett's Rules for a Better Life #1: Everything in my closet must fit, and fit well.
It sounds simple enough, right? But no, it's not. I'm willing to bet that I'm like a lot of people out there. My closet is filled with "almost fits" and "man, I'm going to diet until I fit into thats!" and "it was such a great deal, so what if it doesn't fit quite right?"

And what happens? Day after day it hangs there, taking up space. Day after day you see it and it reminds you that no, you still haven't lost the weight, you still have no fabulous celebrity event to wear that dress to, and you wasted money you could have used on something much more fun on a deal you can't wear. Every time you open that closet door, you're met with the guilt of failing, and really, is THAT any way to start the day?

So here's what I'm going to do about it:

Starting over

It's really hard to start making good choices when you've spent so long making wrong ones. No, strike that, I'm not a big believer in "good" and "bad"; every choice that we make leads us somewhere new, and the part of me that requires some form of faith demands that each place we are lead is exactly where we are meant to be.

However, where I am in my life is not exactly where I intended myself to be.

I have always struggled with my weight. When I was a little girl, I was a competitive swimmer. I remember my swim coach very adamently telling me that I was fatter than the other girls, and that I'd better work on sucking in my tummy (she made very pointed, fish-faced examples at this point), or I was going to risk losing the competition for my whole team. A few meets later, I have photos of me, 7 or 8 years old, and I'm so skinny that you can see the space between the bones in my wrist.